Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and rightdoing there is a field.
Mine is filled with fragrant flowers. Welcome.

Saturday, September 19, 2015

19 September

When the prospect of a miracle laid itself in front of me I was more scared than excited. I have been a wallflower my whole life. When someone, a stranger, which such colourful background suddenly takes interest in you, you are bound to ask yourself—what is going on? what did he see?—and honestly there is no more time that I find myself spinning the question in my head like a yarn than this moment. 

A lot has transpired in the past year. I was elated, I felt on top of the world and just as I was about to extend my arms to embrace the galore, a sudden gush dumped me to the ground, stupefied to the curb, kicked and bashed. In it, invaluable lessons of life for me. I had to wonder for awhile to see the wisdom behind the fall and the fall out. Truth is life will sometime gives you a good punch in the stomach and push your back at the same time. There is no way of resisting but to let yourself take the fall and learn to get up again. 

As the storm calms, I realised all these while I was taking cues and mimicking the demeanour of someone I looked up to but was naive enough to think that it was the right way for me to become the person I was ought to be. It was not and I learned, from even the worst to the kindest characters around me at the time that I was only deluding myself. As I take the fall, there was no other moment in my life that I feel the worst for being me. I felt like apologising for not being (insert word here) enough. I was being wicked to my soul as if I had never understand the struggle I went through to even be where I am today. I am a process. I am a continuous process of becoming. 

It was a whirlwind of emotions while it lasted and I found myself scrambling to escape the fire. I had never feel the need to stroke anyone's ego to get ahead in life nor to flatter, fake and tell lies just to achieve a goal but I know now that some people do that and that in some situations it is smart to do so. Lesson learned. With the ample time I will have soon, maybe I can start working on my relationship with people—to do all that but 'my' way—there is no need to fake and lie if I take genuine interest and mercy for others and so from now on I will put on that cape and roam around to practice my new found skill. Awkward? Oh well, I have always been. But don’t worry, I never intend you harm. 

Sure, I can’t blame this on my horoscope for being born in the year of the Snake, but I regard my sensitivity or the overtness of it must have come from somewhere. I mean, when Lilian Too said your ideal career is to be a psychologist and fortune teller--y'know you're connecting too much to people (or taking). The heart of a sensitive cotton ball. I am. Overbearingly so. And perhaps I should take the crassness around me as a cue from god that I should stop being such a soppy. Like, go ahead and give someone a piece of your mind or something, you know?.

No one likes to be anyone’s punching bag. I was someone’s literal punching bag at one point and remember dragging myself back to my dorm with bruises on my leg. No one volunteers to be another person’s problem solver either.  

Love. Sometimes that’s all I want to do. That’s all I want. Love. I know that at times it peeked into my life and showed me how wonderful it can be. I would always be so scared to take it in the moment. I was so unused to it. Now, some nights wrenched its claws and soaked me into a teary slumber. I truly missed the way you once looked at me, the softness of your voice and that irresistible childish smile. My heart says I need love to heal from this turmoil but my mind tells me that if I truly love someone, I should let him heal too. 

I am a process. A continuous process of becoming. Just like the builder of a statue, a temple, a house, a castle, I’m laying bricks by bricks that will eventually make up an entity I can proudly call my life. Some days, I concentrate on the wall and some days I realised that the window is slanted and I repair it, along the way. I wish that there are kinder ways to be guided to build but I guess my story is such that I need a different approach. this approach. And with my belief in god’s wisdom I will embrace it with an open heart.